How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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