I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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