we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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