I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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