He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
