Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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