You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
