I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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