I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
