idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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