Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
