My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
