We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
