Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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