she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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