I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
