I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
