Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
