you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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