everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize