why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
foreskin is a definite game changer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
