Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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