Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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