a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
