omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
