Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He did a backflip because drugs
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
