it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
