Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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