...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
