If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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