totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
