the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
