I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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