So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
