Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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