Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
