am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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