The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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