he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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