My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
