I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
