They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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