i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
