eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How external is "for external use only"?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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