My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No...this little piggys going to the bar
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
