the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All the doctor said was why
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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