I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
