Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
