I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize