Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
