Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
