My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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