he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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