4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize