Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
